Grief and Gratitude by Rev. Teresa Stuefloten, M. Div. 11/9/2025

This morning, I am speaking about grief and gratitude. Gratitude is an important element of healing from grief.

There are many kinds of losses and reasons for grief: the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, divorce, loss of a friend, loss of a pet (and a pet generally qualifies as a friend), loss of a pregnancy, loss of a home through a disaster or financial loss, loss of a job, loss of a career, loss of a dream, loss of a physical ability, loss of a body part, loss of dignity, loss of reputation or respect, and more.

We can have many reasons for feeling discontented with life, rather than feeling gratitude for just the fact that we are having the experience of being alive in a physical body for a time, to learn and grow as a soul. Ill heath, finding out we have a health challenge and dealing with the treatment, can make us feel as though we have nothing to feel grateful for. The death of someone close to us can make us feel like life is dark and we have difficulty letting in the light of gratitude. A divorce, or the end of a relationship, can make us feel like a failure with nothing to feel grateful for. But gratitude is essential to our wellbeing.

The country singer, Willie Nelson, said, “When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” Gratitude for life and all that is in this life can positively affect our entire experience of life.

Gratitude causes our brain to release dopamine and serotonin, two important neurotransmitters that regulate our moods and emotions, helping us to feel happier and less stressed. Gratitude helps us get better and longer sleep. Writing down a few things we are grateful for in the day we have just completed before going to sleep sets the tone for a restful night.

Another reason for feeling gratitude for our life and our blessings is that gratitude is a magnet for good, drawing more good things into our life. Rev Mark’s motto was “Positive thinking = positive results.” When we are grateful for all that is in our life, the Universe says,”I guess they want more of this good stuff!” The magnet for more good in our life is gratitude.

Oprah Winfrey said, ”Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

The death of a loved one is probably the type of grief most of us think of when we hear the word grief. We are now approaching the holidays, which can be a very difficult time for those who have lost a loved one. 36% of the population experiences difficulty with the holidays due to grief and loss. The first year without a significant loved one we are aware that this is the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first anniversary without them. As the first year moves on, we experience what life is like without our beloved. Often the loss feels so painful.

Many people have the mistaken notion that people should just move on from grief, but as everyone who has experienced the loss of a significant loved one knows it takes time, sometimes lots of time. The second year may be a little bit easier since we have been through the first times for things, but it is still painful. We are still grieving, but we may be ready to let a little gratitude in now.

My husband, Rev Mark, passed to the other side one year ago, October 1, 2024. So I am in the second year of the grief of loss of a significant loved one. Many women have shared their stories of loss with me. I have met many women who lost their husband when they were still raising children. Some had to work multiple jobs to support their children. These are amazingly strong women. I am grateful that I am long past the stage of raising children and have my family to support me. Even my grandchildren are grown, as the youngest graduated high school this year.

I am going on the first vacation without my beloved husband and that has had me feeling a bit unhinged. I could not find my passport and had a challenging time trying to remain positive that it would be found. It was not where my memory said I had put it, nor anywhere else I was searching. My daughter remembered me having a fanny pack from the final vacation my husband and I took. I had completely forgotten about the fanny pack and had no idea where it was. My daughter looked in the trunk of my car and there it was with the passports inside! What relief and gratitude I felt! My needs are provided and I should not have doubted that I am blessed.

My daughter told me she had listened to a psychologist talking about marriage. The psychologist said that if you had a long, happy marriage you basically hit the jackpot. So I am practicing gratitude for the almost 52 happy years of marriage I had with Rev Mark. We were blessed. Of course, I still miss him, and even in the second year without him I have moments and times when I am actively grieving, crying and missing him so much. I recently met a woman whose husband, also a minister, had passed two years ago. She said to me, “It’s not easy.” And she offered to talk any time I needed it. So even going into the third year, grief is a natural reaction to loss that takes time to process and heal.

Our American culture is not comfortable with grief and tries to limit and stifle grief. There is an idea that there is a timeline for grief and we should move through grief quickly and get on with life. There is judgment around grief that lingers, as if there is something wrong with fully feeling our grief and working through those feelings. But in reality, there is no timeline for grief. Everyone moves through grief in their own time and their own way, and that’s okay. It’s helpful and healthy to get out and talk with others. I have found a lot of support with other women who know how I feel because they have been through it. I am grateful for these women.

I have a cousin who lost her 24 year old son to drug overdose. Another cousin has lost several of her long-time friends to cancer recently. We can be there for others with a listening ear when they need to talk about their grief. I know from personal experience how helpful and healing it is to have friends who listen with an open heart. This is one of the ways we are God’s heart and hands in this world.

Understanding that we are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience is helpful. We will not always have a physical body in a physical world. At some point all of us will release the physical body and return to the world of Spirit, rejoining those we love who have already moved on. We are always connected to those we love because we are one in God. God is our Source and we are always supplied with what we need, when we need it, on time and in abundance.

Many of us have felt the grief of the loss those in Jamaica, and Haiti are experiencing due to category 5 Hurricane Melissa. We see the images on television and other media of the devastation and our hearts go out to those affected. Though most of us cannot go to assist in person, we can assist by donating to organizations that are on the ground in Jamaica and Haiti. World Central Kitchen is there providing meals. The Red Cross is on the ground providing blankets, shelter tool kits, tarps, cleaning and hygiene kits. CARE is providing first aid, food and clean water and shelter supplies. An organization called Direct Relief is a health-focused non-profit that is delivering significant medical aid, medications, water purification tablets and hygiene supplies. Global Empowerment Mission (GEM) is distributing essential supplies and helping communities remove debris. World Vision is also there providing aid.

Another type of grief that is currently affecting so many people is grief over the current political situation and food being taken from the poorest in our country. Some have the grief of loss of employment due to the government shut down. The prospect of the cost of medical insurance doubling or tripling has many people feeling fearful. Many people are having a harder time making ends meet while the richest, who can afford to pay their fair share, get a tax break and continue to live in luxury.

Though all of this feels very unfair, it is still very important to have gratitude for the blessings we do have in our lives. Gratitude for even the smallest blessings draws more blessings. If we have enough to give, we can assist others. And if we are one of the ones in need, we can learn to accept the blessing of assistance from people and programs that are there to help.

The image came to me of a bucket like you put under a roof leak. It’s just a drop at a time, but by morning the bucket is full and often overflowing. Doing good things, helpful things for others is what fills the bucket. And gratitude for the things others do for us also fills the bucket. What can you do to assist others in this time?

I have friends who volunteer to package food and give it out to those in need every Tuesday evening. That is one way. What other ways to help others can you think of?

I read a story about a man who began leaving quarters in the machines at the laundromat after seeing a young mother carrying a baby on her hip looking distraught because she didn’t have enough quarters to wash her baby’s clothes. This man thought about how heavy life must feel when you don’t even have enough money to wash a load of laundry. He walked over to the young mother, put quarters in the washer, and told her, “This one’s on me.” She softly told him, “Thank you.” The next week he returned to the laundromat, put quarters in a machine, and put a note saying “Load’s on me. Stay warm.”

This is his story in his words:

“I’m 74. I don’t march in protests. Don’t argue politics online. But every Monday, I do something that keeps America human.

My name’s Walter. I’m 74 years old.

I don’t have much. A pension check, a rusty Ford, a one-bedroom walk-up that smells like radiator heat in the winter.

I don’t cook fancy meals. Don’t go golfing. Don’t even keep up with the news most days—it just makes my chest hurt.

But every Monday morning, I do one thing that, somehow, has rippled further than I ever imagined.

I pay for strangers’ laundry.

Not all of it. I’m not rich. Just one or two loads at the laundromat on Main Street.

It started three winters ago.

I’d gone in to wash my old flannels. Place was half-empty, the hum of machines steady like a tired heartbeat. That’s when I saw her—young, maybe twenty-five, baby on her hip. She dug in her purse, counting quarters, lips pressed tight. When she came up short, she bit her lip and pulled a onesie from the basket, like she was deciding which piece of clothing could stay dirty another week.

I don’t know why I did it. I just stood, walked over, and slipped a quarter into the slot. “This one’s on me,” I said.

She froze. Blinked like I’d spoken a foreign language. Then whispered, “Thank you,” so soft I almost missed it.

That night, I kept thinking about her. About how heavy the world must feel when even clean clothes are a luxury. And I thought about how many times I’d felt invisible since I retired, like the world had already moved on without me.

So the next Monday, I went back. Dropped a few quarters into a machine, taped a note to it:

Load’s on me. Stay warm.

Didn’t sign my name. Didn’t need to.

By the third week, someone had scribbled back on my note:

You saved me today. Bless you.

I kept going.

Every Monday, I’d bring a little baggie of quarters. Sometimes I’d pay for one load. Sometimes two. I never waited around to see who used them. It wasn’t about that. It was about the moment someone realized they weren’t alone in the world.

Word spread. Not because of me—I kept quiet—but because people talked.

One mom told another. A tired nurse on night shift posted on Facebook: “Someone paid for my scrubs tonight. Whoever you are, you kept me going.”

The local paper called it “The Laundry Angel.” I hated that. I’m no angel. I’m just an old man with a pocket of coins.

Then something happened I’ll never forget.

I walked in one Monday, and the machines already had tape notes on them. Different handwriting. Different words. “For the next one.” “We’re in this together.”

I stood there, holding my quarters, tears blurring my eyes so bad I could barely read. It had spread.

One evening, I came in late and saw a teenage boy—hood up, eyes tired—drop two quarters into a washer, then walk away without putting clothes in. I called after him, “Hey, you forgot your load.”

He looked back and said, “No, sir. It’s not for me.” Then he left.

That’s when I knew this wasn’t mine anymore. It belonged to the town.

Now it’s every Monday across three laundromats. Folks bring jars of quarters. A church group leaves rolls of them taped to machines. Even the mayor stopped by, slipped a $20 into the change machine, and said, “Guess I’m on the Monday crew now.”

And me? I still show up. Still tape my little note: Load’s on me. Stay warm.

Because here’s the thing.

We live in a country that argues about everything. Who deserves what. Who belongs where. Who gets to be seen.

But when someone pulls warm, clean clothes out of a washer they couldn’t afford five minutes ago? None of that matters. In that moment, they know one simple truth: somebody cared.

That’s all it takes. Not speeches. Not politics. Not endless shouting on TV.

Just quarters. And a quiet message taped to a machine:

I saw you. I know it’s hard. I’ve got you.

The world may stay divided. The noise may never stop.

But as long as the washers keep turning on Mondays, so does hope.”

(Join Us Chronicle Inspire)

I have gotten to the point of being able to let go of my husband’s clothing. I have been taking some of his clothing to the Catholic Church near me that has two portable buildings in their parking lot, one for clothes and one for food, which they give out free to those in need. The program is run by volunteers. Last week one of the older ladies who is always there volunteering invited me to volunteer with them to sort and fold donated clothing. I plan to do this when I return from my vacation. It’s something I can do to assist others, giving of my time.

My local community center has the barrels out again for toy donations for children in need for the holidays. When I was shopping at Costco I bought some toys to donate to the barrels for children who may not otherwise get a holiday gift.

Giving to others helps us feel gratitude. It feels good to give. Some other ideas are:

Help a friend with something they need.

Give someone a compliment. You might make their whole day and give them a reason to have a big smile!

Tell someone how much they mean to you.

Pay for the person behind you in the Starbucks drive through.

Let someone go ahead of you in the grocery store check-out line.

Ask the clerk how their day is going.

Give everyone a smile.

I invite you to make a list of ways you could help someone else.

As for the injustice we see currently, we can make our voices heard and work peacefully for justice. We can’t allow ourselves to wallow in pity. We need to keep our consciousness in a higher state where we can see an opening to a better future for all. This recent election shows that more people are waking up and wanting a fair and just world for all. Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Our spiritual practice is very important for this time we are living in. We need to be grounded in Spirit. We need the inner assurance that we are Divinely loved and provided for. If we have a daily meditation practice, which I highly recommend, we can consider these verses as we prepare to enter meditation, our time to be quiet and listen within to the Divine voice:

Psalm 100:4 “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise.”

James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” I like the reference to spiritual light, which can sometimes be seen in meditation, in that verse.

Colossians 3:15 “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” We can invite the Christ consciousness into our meditation.

I have been inviting Christ Jesus into my meditations. I tell him that I am touching the hem of his garment and am drawing him to me. I feel his calming presence and his deep love. I Invite him to lift me into the Christ consciousness.

The peace of meditation brings the spiritual light into our life, opening out heart in gratitude for life itself.

Meister Eckhart said "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, 'thank you,' that would suffice.”

And so it is!